Cheeseballs on a Sunday

So that what if wasn't here anymore, instead I always wake-up with a good morning text message, an invitation to eat somewhere, and your hands holding me.

This is a random thought saying how grateful I am because you finally came into my life. After 2 years of being in the friendzone because we both believe that forever is just a word and that being friends is the best we could be, I am glad that we both ruin it. This is an early declaration but I want to write how happy I am when I am with you.

So to the guy who I cried to last year, I have nothing but gratefulness to you. To the guy who sang random melodies, I would like you to know that you really got me there. To the guy who did not give up no matter how hard it is to be with you, I would like you to know that I am falling a little bit deeper for you. You. make. me. happy. and. yes. I. will. keep. you. because. you. are. you.

You find it baduy whenever we say I love you, heck it is, but I will be baduy if I have to just to express how happy I am and how I consider you as one of my answered prayers. After all the challenges and pain that we have to hurdle I am glad that you are standing beside me and reassuring me that everything will be better.

So now, let me end this with a simple message that I sent to you last week: "I wouldn't mind encountering bad days with you if good days would be similar with this one." 

I love you, love, flaws and all, nothing more, nothing less.

XX

LSS

So this is what happened after few months of feeling better and finding myself, I will go out and see the world, and have a bigger and different perspective.

I was never a fan of a crowd, maybe because I am usually swallowed by insecurities and I am in nature a shy person. But then again, once music is involve, I want to get lost and risk it all. So I watched it with a person who I do not know why I am with. I risk it all not because I am expecting something in return but I wanted to know how it feels like to be with people and to just simply listen to the art of each melody an artist can make.

I am such an awkward person when it comes to going out, to explaining what I am feeling, and I have this talent of pushing people away but then again at that moment, all I want to do is be in your arms, and just watch that freaking show. It is not just the music that makes it all beautiful and smooth, it is how natural it was to be with you, it was how you asked me if I am okay, it was the reassurance that you won't leave me at that moment, and you won't just let me out of your grasp.

And so the second symphony happened. The second one is different from the first. The second one allowed me to accept the fact that I like you, yes you. It was the way I got mad when you were not with me, the way that I felt when you welcome me in your arms, the way you watched me do things, it was how you shouted when I went to the middle of the road and the way I let myself hold you too. It was the moment when I let you dragged me and brought me to your friends and congratulate them.  It was when I felt my heart again, bouncing in happiness, and suddenly I swallowed bunch of butterflies again and they were playing in my stomach once more. It was in general your arms that got me in this situation, the way I felt, the imitation of the sound that we heard from the band, your hands leading me into places that I promised not to cross again, the way you play with my arm as if I am a musical instrument, and my fingers-crossed moment for it not to end. Those moments were too vivid that it is so hard for me to forget.

Oh, how I wish to hold you and ask you to stay, even if I am afraid that you won't.

Magnilay

Kahit anong pilit, kahit paulit ulit na ayusin ang isang bagay, kapag nalamatan na, wala na talagang magagawa. Hindi na maibabalik, hindi dahil hindi mo ito gustong ayusin, kundi natatakot ka ng maubos ng maubos dahil tila wala namang halaga ang iyong ginagawa.

Ikaw para saan ka ba talaga lumalaban? May saysay pa ba ang iyong pinaglalaban o paulit-ulit mo lang itong ginagawa para paulit-ulit ka lang ding mawasak?

Change, what is it anyway?

As my professor in history taught us, Heraclitus stated that the only thing that is permanent in this world is change. I was struck by that thought, I mean change? Who isn't afraid of it right? I was one of them, I was afraid of that change, I do not want people saying how I change and I cannot even grasp what change is all about. But then I conclude that change exist because people choose it.

I chose it. I keep that mantra in mind that I chose it. And it is liberating to think that I choose that change and that I choose it for the better. I choose it for myself and I choose myself. This random though occurred to me while I am reading something. I cried so hard because of that book and honestly I am still wiping my tears now because of it. I was busy working my ass out and wasn't able to have this me time that I keep on delaying because I thought that I do not need it. And so here I am saying this thing. I know that I made the right choice, I am really letting go of all those insecurities day by day, I am still fearful but finally I chose her, I fought for her. I keep on saying that nobody fought for me but I was the one denying myself that privilege. Part of me was damaged because of other people but part of me was also damaged because I didn't choose myself, I didn't fight for myself. But now I will really try hard to fight for myself. I will choose myself and I will love her wholeheartedly. I have to face all the baggage that I carry all these years. I have to face it. I must!

Another Lesson

This is the time for new beginning and for a new life –that’s what I am thinking whenever I am seeing you. It’s as if you liberated me and you gave me the power to soar high and pursue anything. Instead of being negative and thinking of anything else you allowed me to leap my feet and walk towards the end of the road where we will go on separate ways. It is as if the pain that I’ve experienced made me realized how precious I am, how deserving I am to be happy, and how much people love me. Even though I have nothing but a broken spirit I have time to heal all wounds and I survived the catastrophe that life has given me.

I thought that life’s lessons are nothing but sugar-coated words or a consolation in everything that a person has to experienced but no life’s lessons allow you to choose better things and to make you realize what you really want. Honestly I wanted you to run to me before, I want you to beg and realize how worth it I am, but the truth is I am the one who should run to myself and I should be the one who should realize my worth as a person. Yes, you cannot reciprocate the love that I gave you but the hardest thing to realize is I didn’t even try to love myself even once. You can reject me over and over again and make me hope for nothing but I know that it was my choice whether to stay or not after all.

Now I have to open a new book and I have to ease the pain. As the cliché goes “I have to love myself first before loving other people.” If this thing happens I won’t be afraid to love again because of I know that I can give more love not just to that someone but to myself as well and I am whole and not waiting and depending my wholeness to someone that I will love. Now it will be over and I will face everything with my head high and I will treasure every moment.

Baduy

Last na kakornihan na ito, last na kabaduyan, hindi ito english dahil ayoko, ayoko na ring magisip kung tama ang spelling nito o ang grammar.

Pagod na ko talaga. Wala na kong masabi pang iba. Ayoko ng umasa sa wala, ayoko ng mabighani masyado sa mga bagay na pansamantala lang namang andyan. May nagsabi sa akin noon na hindi s'ya mawawala kahit anong mangyari, hindi raw nya ko iiwan, pero hindi e, hindi nya ginawa yun, nawala sya nung kailangan ko s'ya. Pero andito pa rin naman ako kahit wala na sya. Hindi ko naman pala sya kailangan para makaya yung mga bagay bagay. I even survive those times even though it hurts too much and now I can still survive.

Tama na ang pagpili sa'yo kasi kahit kelan naman hindi mo ko pinili. para lang akong laruan na kapag wala kang malaro lalaruin mo. At kapag nakita mo na ang gusto mo talaga ay iiwan mo. Pagod na kong makaramdam ng ganoon. Tama na, ayoko na ring maalala ka pa. Sana makalimutan ko na lahat-lahat.

And now I want to blame my memory for every pain, nervousness, and loneliness that I am feeling.

I met you 3 years ago and thinking of our last moments make me nostalgic tonight. All I want to do is talk to you, run to you, and swallow my pride, but I guess swallowing my pride will just cause me harm. I do not want to ask for something that's not for me anymore, I do not want to hope for more, and for the nth time all I want to do is forget you, seems like our memories are still in my mind and pain still stings in my heart. I do not want to do this anymore, yet things remind me of you. Your laugh makes me happy and your text messages make my heart swoon but your actions also hurt me the most, it feels like I am in a roller coaster and I cannot stop myself from riding it. Little by little I am trying to resist you although that does not stop my heart from aching too much.

Why do I have to feel this way? You told me yourself that I am not even deserving of this pain and I deserve to be happy but why can't I let go of you fully? It has been 3 years and that only caused me pain and hatred. BUT WHY CAN'T I STOP MYSELF FROM FEELING THIS WAY? I do not want to be sad anymore, I want to show the world that I am brave enough to face all of these things, and I want to make you feel that you don't affect me anymore. However nightmares of vision about me and you and about us sometimes occur to me and everything is like a cycle that I cannot fully escape into.

But I do not want to wait in vain anymore and I do not want to hope for more because I know that those things won't happen no matter how hard I try and how long I wait for you...