Candor

Unknown silence, that’s all we had that time. Those seconds were enough for me to hear my heart cracks and beats fast because of you, still you –nothing has changed, not a little bit of my feelings for you.

Yes you, my own dosage of happiness and loneliness, you who made me wished for something more, it's only you who can make me confuse whenever I am thinking rationally.

So what happened next is the endless playing of that song, I should let go of it but I just can’t. Out of the blue you ask me “what do you want to happen?” I was supposed to answer it with something much more than what you’ve expected me to say but I am afraid that I might just ruin everything, that I might just hurt myself a little bit more that’s why I already shut my mouth. Then I answered without any expression in my face, “Repeat the question for me?” I felt like there’s something wrong with my answer, the environment responded to my fast heartbeat, it was very cold that time and it was like a deafening silence is around the place wherein to, then you changed the question. You asked me “what is it?” That question made things more complicated, I wished I said the things bluntly ahead of you changing the topic, what I really want to say is that: “I want US to happened, I want US to be together, I WANT YOU or perhaps want is not enough to express what I am feeling. Yes, don’t be shocked, don’t say anything first. I didn’t plan this thing, okay? I didn’t do anything, actually I as well don’t want this feeling, maybe that’s the reason why I am avoiding you, maybe that’s the reason why I can’t just pretend that nothing happened. I know that you treat me as a friend, nothing more than that, but I just can’t stop my stupid feelings. I didn’t even know why I entertain these fucking thoughts, these thoughts of us being together, or you loving me as well. I don’t want you to give pity to me and I don’t want to be hurt anymore. So please stop being so nice, I am leaving everything behind, please don’t ask anything more.” But I didn’t say those things because I am afraid that I might break something, that connection that I felt between the two of us, I am afraid that I might complicate things more, and I know that I have no right to be hurt or to feel anything more than what you are giving me.” But at the end of the conversation I did not mention anything about my feelings, I only told you that things were just complicated right now, that it was really a long story, that I just can’t say anything because I might complicate things. And yes, maybe I should let that happen, maybe I should just let go of this stupidity and live my life without you. Maybe I should break that habit, and like what I did earlier, maybe I should just run away.

I can’t hold on anymore, my heart says it to me. I can’t just do it anymore, I can’t wait for you, and I am already tired of doing it. I just want to live my life without you. And so, as the music stops playing, as the sun sets, and as the people start the noisy sound, I will leave...

I will leave as if I am not regretting anything.

I will leave as if I am really willing to let you go.

I will leave as if I am not coming back again.

I will leave as if I am not going to cry.

I will leave as if I already said those 3 words that I jokingly say to you.

But the truth is, I will leave because my heart can’t take it anymore, I will leave because I know that you are afraid of hurting me that’s why you are not saying everything in front of me. Though, I am hoping that whoever she is who will fall for you in the future and who will not get anything from you in return, please say to her what you truly feels, please don’t make her misinterpret anything, please don’t make her suffer, please just blow it off, just say to her everything even though it will hurt her, please don’t give her the assurance that you will never leave her alone, and please don’t stop her from leaving if you really don’t want to be with her.

Contained and not shattered at all

Then that someone will ask you not to forget, then he'll be the one who will forget everything. It's not that we have lots of memories but I became a part of his life, right? I don't really know why I am writing this stuff, maybe because it is really too heavy inside?

I met you 1 year ago and really I must admit it you are really humorous and sweet and all those stuffs. Actually I never wanted to establish any romantic relationship with you, like seriously, it didn't really cross my mind. I just love being flattered. But I just think that sometimes you will really realize the true value of a person when that person is not with you anymore. I've been so quiet about this thing that I even forgot to say thank you to you...

Thank you for comforting me when I thought that I would fail a subject.
Thank you for saying how beautiful I am despite the fact that I am haggard or sometimes I am not combing my hair whenever you are seeing me.
Thank you for being the only person who held my risk and dragged me into something that I didn't expect to be.
Thank you for sitting in front of me and blabbing about random stuffs.
Thank you for playing with me, most of the people or generally speaking guys that I know can't tolerate my childishness, you are one of those who can.
Thank you for making me feel that I can do everything if I will work hard.
Thank you for proving to me that I am all worth it, well it is not all about you saying those stuffs to me but AGAIN you are one of those who believed in me when I thought that I don't have things that I could be proud of.
Thank you for fulfilling my dream, I always dream of stuff like someone will just pinch my cheeks and smile, and you were the only person who did that!
Thank you for that stupid message behind that graduation picture "Piggy, will see you soon."
Thank you for that parker ballpen, stupid.
Thank you for entertaining me.
Thank you for making me feel that I am beautiful, thank you for those warm hugs, and thank you for being a pleasant memory.

Congratulations, you remain a beautiful memory, you will always be a beautiful memory.
Congratulations because I am still missing you.
Congratulations because I still admire how patriotic you are.

Maybe someday piggy will see you again, maybe things will change, maybe everything that we had will be a repress memory, or maybe it will be forgotten because it will be a disuse memory, but I firmly believe that someone's influence to a person will never be gone, he/she might not notice it, but that force will always be a part of him/her.

Belated Happy Birthday babo, star, handsome. I miss you, but I won't cry at all. This is the end of this chapter, though it's not that ideal type of happy ending, it's not an overrated type of story, it is something worth writing for, because that chapter allowed me to grow.

You always say that I should take good care of myself, now let me tell those words to you TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF, BABO, and though I will rip my pride because of this statement I will still say it: You are really great and I am FALLing for you. That's a cheesy line okay?

People who know your name will know the reason behind the word "FALLing."