Candor

Unknown silence, that’s all we had that time. Those seconds were enough for me to hear my heart cracks and beats fast because of you, still you –nothing has changed, not a little bit of my feelings for you.

Yes you, my own dosage of happiness and loneliness, you who made me wished for something more, it's only you who can make me confuse whenever I am thinking rationally.

So what happened next is the endless playing of that song, I should let go of it but I just can’t. Out of the blue you ask me “what do you want to happen?” I was supposed to answer it with something much more than what you’ve expected me to say but I am afraid that I might just ruin everything, that I might just hurt myself a little bit more that’s why I already shut my mouth. Then I answered without any expression in my face, “Repeat the question for me?” I felt like there’s something wrong with my answer, the environment responded to my fast heartbeat, it was very cold that time and it was like a deafening silence is around the place wherein to, then you changed the question. You asked me “what is it?” That question made things more complicated, I wished I said the things bluntly ahead of you changing the topic, what I really want to say is that: “I want US to happened, I want US to be together, I WANT YOU or perhaps want is not enough to express what I am feeling. Yes, don’t be shocked, don’t say anything first. I didn’t plan this thing, okay? I didn’t do anything, actually I as well don’t want this feeling, maybe that’s the reason why I am avoiding you, maybe that’s the reason why I can’t just pretend that nothing happened. I know that you treat me as a friend, nothing more than that, but I just can’t stop my stupid feelings. I didn’t even know why I entertain these fucking thoughts, these thoughts of us being together, or you loving me as well. I don’t want you to give pity to me and I don’t want to be hurt anymore. So please stop being so nice, I am leaving everything behind, please don’t ask anything more.” But I didn’t say those things because I am afraid that I might break something, that connection that I felt between the two of us, I am afraid that I might complicate things more, and I know that I have no right to be hurt or to feel anything more than what you are giving me.” But at the end of the conversation I did not mention anything about my feelings, I only told you that things were just complicated right now, that it was really a long story, that I just can’t say anything because I might complicate things. And yes, maybe I should let that happen, maybe I should just let go of this stupidity and live my life without you. Maybe I should break that habit, and like what I did earlier, maybe I should just run away.

I can’t hold on anymore, my heart says it to me. I can’t just do it anymore, I can’t wait for you, and I am already tired of doing it. I just want to live my life without you. And so, as the music stops playing, as the sun sets, and as the people start the noisy sound, I will leave...

I will leave as if I am not regretting anything.

I will leave as if I am really willing to let you go.

I will leave as if I am not coming back again.

I will leave as if I am not going to cry.

I will leave as if I already said those 3 words that I jokingly say to you.

But the truth is, I will leave because my heart can’t take it anymore, I will leave because I know that you are afraid of hurting me that’s why you are not saying everything in front of me. Though, I am hoping that whoever she is who will fall for you in the future and who will not get anything from you in return, please say to her what you truly feels, please don’t make her misinterpret anything, please don’t make her suffer, please just blow it off, just say to her everything even though it will hurt her, please don’t give her the assurance that you will never leave her alone, and please don’t stop her from leaving if you really don’t want to be with her.