Hello

I was so happy when you told me that you won't just throw everything away, that you don't want to impress her, that you want to be my friend, that you want me to be dramatic whenever I am talking to you, that you will bear all those nasty things that I will say to you but I am too afraid of believing once more. It was an unrequited love for 3 years but I know that despite that fact you've valued the friendship that heaven knows how I tried to protect.

 Maybe I also want this to happen, maybe I just want to vanish and be gone forever, but just imagining us not talking anymore is making me cry. No, not romantically speaking, okay? I just want you to be still there whenever I am lonely. I just want to yell at you all over again, be mad at you everyday, and you being so gullible be mad because you thought that I was really mad at you. I am quite missing my friend.

I just want to go back to where we used to, I just want the word 'us' and even though it's just pure friendship at least I can feel that security from you. But damn it, I just want to curse the world for feeling this way, for feeling like I just can't do it anymore, that no matter how I want everything to return to the old days I just can't because of my fear of being betrayed again. I am too afraid that one day I will just wake up and I will hear stupid things about our friendship, I am too afraid that I will lose a part of me again for you will vanish for so long, and I am too afraid that you will just throw everything away. 

I thought that falling for you and being quite consumed by you are things that will cause me pain the most, but I guess losing a friend like you was the most painful thing that I can encounter upon meeting you.

I want to comeback but how will I do it?

Project 2012: Love Myself

I usually say to people whenever they are teasing me to boys that: "I don't like boys. I don't like people. I like plants. I love myself. I have the best relationship with myself. Actually, she never leaves me and I am loving it." I am not saying this for them to laugh at me or to give me pity. It's just that maybe for the longest time that I exist in this world I never told myself that I love myself. Yes it may sound as awkward as it is but the truth is I do not usually love myself, I am doing things to impress people, I am doing things for their wellness, I am doing things to cater for their needs until I can't give anything to myself, and I will end up lonely because I am expecting too much from them.

So, last semester I started this project of loving myself, it's not because I hate relationships or I hate people, but I want to make myself feel that love that I usually asks for people to give to me. I am not saying that I'll go on hiatus helping people but I will always make sure that I am one of the people that will be happy everyday because of myself as well. I want to feel like I am worth it of everything that I want to have and for me to feel that way I should always prove to myself everyday how valuable I am, how awesome I've become after everything, and how deserving I am for the things that I am demanding.

I usually think that being a last resort to someone is the worst thing in the world or maybe being number two, I usually hate it because I am having leftovers of people. But I realized that the worst thing is asking for something you cannot give yourself.

• I tend to asks for people's love but I can't give that to myself.
• I usually want people not to leave me but sometimes I am the one pushing them away because the truth is I am afraid of abandonment.
• I usually suffered from self-pity; inflicting pain to myself and thinking that I am just a part of a crowd but I am the one consistently thinking that way.
• I want second chances but I sometimes leave people because sometimes I think that I am left with no choice at all but I know that I have lots of choices.
• I hide my feelings and sometimes deny it because I am afraid of being hurt.

Though I cannot blame myself about everything that I am feeling I am always responsible to my response towards the stimulus that life will give to me. I always have a choice I just have to accept the reality that once I made a choice I should always think of the reality ahead of it.

I should cross the bridge when I get there, that's another thing that I realized, I should never think ahead, instead I should decide and think of things when the cards are already lay in the table.

Chapters of Life: As a Passerby

It is 9:28 PM tonight and I feel like writing everything that I am feeling now. Not exactly everything, because I am still denying what I am feeling. I am not good at this but I know that this is my usual defense mechanism whenever I am avoiding hurtful events in this life. So this blog is entitled ambivalence because I am fond of keeping everything to myself and expressing the opposite of what I truly feel. I don't know if it's good for me, maybe no, because I am really not feeling good sometimes, it feels so heavy inside and I can't do anything about it. I always say that people always have a choice towards something and yes maybe I chose to hide everything than to be carefree and burden other people because of my feelings.

Most people say that I am too gullible and I usually trust people and yes I am like that. I can believe someone's story even if I only spend a day with that person. I always believe that there is this seed of goodness in everyone's character. So I am also easily attach to people. But despite that attachment I can't remove this fear that they will just go and will leave me after making me feel secured and happy. One of my mentors told me that I should never think that way, I should never think ahead before things happened in their own time. Maybe she is right with that, I usually keep myself isolated whenever I am seeing someone go, but maybe I should do the other way around, I should make beautiful memories like I usually tell people. Actually, I am also thinking that way, I always think that at least we made beautiful memories, at least that person is a freaking good memory, but I think I should remove that mentality, okay, it's their choice if they want to go but I should never think that way. Though it is so overrated if I will say that "cherish the moment" maybe it is real, so that if a person go you will never cry over spilled milk, you can say to yourself that even though that person is not with you now, that person made you fall, that person made you smile, that person wants you to be happy and most of all that person allowed you to push yourself to the limit and though you don't know what would be the outcome things you stayed, you did your best and that's more than enough.

I should not just say this to myself, I should keep it real right? I should always look at the glass as half full and not half empty. I should!