It is 9:28 PM tonight and I feel like writing everything that I am feeling now. Not exactly everything, because I am still denying what I am feeling. I am not good at this but I know that this is my usual defense mechanism whenever I am avoiding hurtful events in this life. So this blog is entitled ambivalence because I am fond of keeping everything to myself and expressing the opposite of what I truly feel. I don't know if it's good for me, maybe no, because I am really not feeling good sometimes, it feels so heavy inside and I can't do anything about it. I always say that people always have a choice towards something and yes maybe I chose to hide everything than to be carefree and burden other people because of my feelings.
Most people say that I am too gullible and I usually trust people and yes I am like that. I can believe someone's story even if I only spend a day with that person. I always believe that there is this seed of goodness in everyone's character. So I am also easily attach to people. But despite that attachment I can't remove this fear that they will just go and will leave me after making me feel secured and happy. One of my mentors told me that I should never think that way, I should never think ahead before things happened in their own time. Maybe she is right with that, I usually keep myself isolated whenever I am seeing someone go, but maybe I should do the other way around, I should make beautiful memories like I usually tell people. Actually, I am also thinking that way, I always think that at least we made beautiful memories, at least that person is a freaking good memory, but I think I should remove that mentality, okay, it's their choice if they want to go but I should never think that way. Though it is so overrated if I will say that "cherish the moment" maybe it is real, so that if a person go you will never cry over spilled milk, you can say to yourself that even though that person is not with you now, that person made you fall, that person made you smile, that person wants you to be happy and most of all that person allowed you to push yourself to the limit and though you don't know what would be the outcome things you stayed, you did your best and that's more than enough.
I should not just say this to myself, I should keep it real right? I should always look at the glass as half full and not half empty. I should!
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