Madalas nauuna kong isulat ang laman ng aking isusulat bago ang pamagat nito, pero ngayon nakaisip ako ng korni na pamagat kaya inuna ko ito.
Dahil kakaunti lang naman ang nakakaaalam ng blog site na ito, nanaisin ko ng umamin dito. Oo na, tanga ka naman para hindi mo isipin na para lang sa'yo yun. Namimiss kita, yung nakakainis mong tawa, yung basa mong kamay, yung amoy ng damit mo na parang galing sa cabinet, yung mga nakakainis mong text messages na parang sa nanay ko lang nanggaling, yung ikaw, yung kahit na puro lang pambobola ay wala naman akong magawa kundi tignan lang at tawanan. Nakakainis ka naman, pero mas naiinis ako sa sarili ko, kasi kahit alam ko ng gago ka mahal na mahal pa rin kita.
Kung dati humihingi ako ng limang segundo para lang titigan ka, ngayon naiiwasan ko na. Kung dati isang pagkakamali mo lang nagsasalita na ko, ngayon napipigil ko na. Kung dati isang tanong mo lang mukha akong gamit na sumasagot sa'yo ng automatic ngayon hindi na rin. Maiba lang, gamitin ko naman ang sarili ko para sa sarili ko.
Pero kahit ganoon, may isang nagsabi sakin na bakit nga ba kahit gago ka, pinayagan ko ang sarili ko na magpakagago? Bakit kahit alam ko naman na bolero ka mas pinaniwalaan ko yung mga sinabi mo? Bakit kahit wala namang aasahan ay umasa ako? Samakatuwid, ako ang umasa, madalas sinasabi na walang aasa kung walang nagpapaasa, pero sa pagtatapos ng araw ganun naman talaga diba? Wala rin namang magpaasa kung walang aasa? Walang manggagamit kung walang magpapagamit? Walang maloloko kung walang nanloloko? Ayoko namang isisi sakin ang lahat ng bagay, pero gusto ko namang ibalik sakin ang mga bagay na nawala nung magsimula akong maging ang taong "umasa, nagpagamit, at nagpaloko." Gusto ko naman na maging totoo ang madalas kong sinasabi na mahal ko ang sarili ko, na importante ako. Gusto ko naman na maging masaya dahil masaya ako hindi dahil masaya ka lang.
Oo mahal kita, pero hindi naman ibig sabihin noon ay puwede na akong gamitin ng paulit-ulit hanggang sa maubos ako. Nandito na ang kongklusyon na hindi mo ako kayang mahalin, na kaibigan lang, na wala namang tayo, ako lang ito. Nakahain na ang katotohanan, ang kailangan ko nalang ngayon ay pagtanggap.
Kaya kahit nga miss na miss na kita, lilipas din to. Kaya nga kahit mahal na mahal pa rin kita, mawawala rin ito. Posible nga ang mahulog at magmahal e, kaya posible rin ang umusad at makalimot.
P.S. Eto na ata ang pinaka personal at pinaka korni na nasulat ko. Sorry na!
Monday, July 16, 2012
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Still wonderful
I hate it when it usually rains; rainy days reminded me of stupid memories and of you.
I just want you to say sorry to me. Yes, I am responsible for my feelings but sometimes I can't no longer handle this pain that all I can do is blame you for feeling this way. Happiness is always a choice but I hope I could really choose that. If only I could drink a pain-reliever every day to ease the pain, if only I can have selective amnesia, if I could go back to those times, I promise I won't listen to you.
Fuck this feeling; I don't deserve even an inch of this pain. I don't deserve lies, I don't deserve humiliation, and after all that we've been through I don't deserve this betrayal. I just want to stop crying anymore, I just want you to vanish, but how will that thing happen? I mean, this is not just my world and this is also your world. I also want to runaway, yet I still want to prove to myself that I can still fight this kind of battle.
But I would like to thank you for ruining me. Thank you for proving to me that all that I have considered real all those years were nothing but vague promises. Thank you for this kind of pain, I don't really deserve this, but I know that after some time I will thank you because this will make me a wonderful person. Thank you for all your lies, thank you for your so-called warmth, thank you for your make-believe statements, and thank you for all these sufferings.
Now are you happy? Are you happy seeing me miserable and crying over you? Are you happy seeing me broken? Well, fuck you, let me just clear things out.
To you bastard-asshole-hypocrite-user-unappreciative-liar man, how many are we? I mean, how many did you consume just to make you feel that you are superior and you can have everything? You have this hobby of ruining someone's life and saying to people that you love them even though that's a complete lie, your hobby is making people feel that they are important and you will just left them hanging. You said before that man is not a commodity, yet what are you doing now? WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING DOING NOW? You are ruining me, you've ruined me, why didn't you just stop? Why did you not just stop making me feel like I am just a thing that you can consume and leave after? Why did you make me wait for three fucking years? Why are you not even sorry? Why are you like that?!
People are people, some of them will leave but so what those who are deserving of all your attention will stay. And to those people who are with me in this journey, thank you, thank you for your genuine concern and I will really survive, not just to repay you toward your effort to me but for myself as well. I will never let this situation destroy me. Maybe this is an optimistic thought but I will move on. Yes, I will!
I just want you to say sorry to me. Yes, I am responsible for my feelings but sometimes I can't no longer handle this pain that all I can do is blame you for feeling this way. Happiness is always a choice but I hope I could really choose that. If only I could drink a pain-reliever every day to ease the pain, if only I can have selective amnesia, if I could go back to those times, I promise I won't listen to you.
Fuck this feeling; I don't deserve even an inch of this pain. I don't deserve lies, I don't deserve humiliation, and after all that we've been through I don't deserve this betrayal. I just want to stop crying anymore, I just want you to vanish, but how will that thing happen? I mean, this is not just my world and this is also your world. I also want to runaway, yet I still want to prove to myself that I can still fight this kind of battle.
But I would like to thank you for ruining me. Thank you for proving to me that all that I have considered real all those years were nothing but vague promises. Thank you for this kind of pain, I don't really deserve this, but I know that after some time I will thank you because this will make me a wonderful person. Thank you for all your lies, thank you for your so-called warmth, thank you for your make-believe statements, and thank you for all these sufferings.
Now are you happy? Are you happy seeing me miserable and crying over you? Are you happy seeing me broken? Well, fuck you, let me just clear things out.
To you bastard-asshole-hypocrite-user-unappreciative-liar man, how many are we? I mean, how many did you consume just to make you feel that you are superior and you can have everything? You have this hobby of ruining someone's life and saying to people that you love them even though that's a complete lie, your hobby is making people feel that they are important and you will just left them hanging. You said before that man is not a commodity, yet what are you doing now? WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING DOING NOW? You are ruining me, you've ruined me, why didn't you just stop? Why did you not just stop making me feel like I am just a thing that you can consume and leave after? Why did you make me wait for three fucking years? Why are you not even sorry? Why are you like that?!
People are people, some of them will leave but so what those who are deserving of all your attention will stay. And to those people who are with me in this journey, thank you, thank you for your genuine concern and I will really survive, not just to repay you toward your effort to me but for myself as well. I will never let this situation destroy me. Maybe this is an optimistic thought but I will move on. Yes, I will!
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Overlook
I am missing you already. I am missing your daily stupid text messages. I am missing the way you crank your oh-not-so funny jokes everyday. I am missing how mischievous you can be whenever we are together. And now I feel so stupid for writing something about you again.
I love you, asshole. I love you too much, too much that my heart hurts so much because you can't love me back. I love you and I know moving on is the best thing to do to save myself from misery. I love you even though you can't love me back. What's more painful is that I still love you although you can't give enough. This is too much for me, I can't take it anymore. My heart hurts, it really hurts that all I can do is cry. Cry until I can sleep, sleep and dream about everything we used to have, and wake up again crying because I know that I should move forward and I should just move on.
Why am I so stupid? Why did I not stop? I mean, why did I stay despite the fact that you won't really love me back? And why did I admit it? Why do I have to be responsible for this thing? Why do I have to hurt myself this much? Maybe because I am really in love with you, maybe because I would rather choose fake happiness and love from you than move on because with you I feel so safe. Why am I not leaving this cycle? It's been 3 long years yet I am still here. I am so tired. I am so tired of hearing myself saying that at least I've loved, at least I've waited, because the truth is I have been waiting for nothing, I have been suffering from a shameless one-sided love, and I have been stupid for so long. But what makes this hurt more is that I am missing you, that I still need to see you every day and experience a twitching feeling inside, and that I have to fight everyday just to survive.
One thing I know is I want to stop and even though it will hurt more, even though I am sacrificing things now, I will bear it just to be happy again.
I love you, asshole. I love you too much, too much that my heart hurts so much because you can't love me back. I love you and I know moving on is the best thing to do to save myself from misery. I love you even though you can't love me back. What's more painful is that I still love you although you can't give enough. This is too much for me, I can't take it anymore. My heart hurts, it really hurts that all I can do is cry. Cry until I can sleep, sleep and dream about everything we used to have, and wake up again crying because I know that I should move forward and I should just move on.
Why am I so stupid? Why did I not stop? I mean, why did I stay despite the fact that you won't really love me back? And why did I admit it? Why do I have to be responsible for this thing? Why do I have to hurt myself this much? Maybe because I am really in love with you, maybe because I would rather choose fake happiness and love from you than move on because with you I feel so safe. Why am I not leaving this cycle? It's been 3 long years yet I am still here. I am so tired. I am so tired of hearing myself saying that at least I've loved, at least I've waited, because the truth is I have been waiting for nothing, I have been suffering from a shameless one-sided love, and I have been stupid for so long. But what makes this hurt more is that I am missing you, that I still need to see you every day and experience a twitching feeling inside, and that I have to fight everyday just to survive.
One thing I know is I want to stop and even though it will hurt more, even though I am sacrificing things now, I will bear it just to be happy again.
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