Overlook

I am missing you already. I am missing your daily stupid text messages. I am missing the way you crank your oh-not-so funny jokes everyday. I am missing how mischievous you can be whenever we are together. And now I feel so stupid for writing something about you again.

I love you, asshole. I love you too much, too much that my heart hurts so much because you can't love me back. I love you and I know moving on is the best thing to do to save myself from misery. I love you even though you can't love me back. What's more painful is that I still love you although you can't give enough. This is too much for me, I can't take it anymore. My heart hurts, it really hurts that all I can do is cry. Cry until I can sleep, sleep and dream about everything we used to have, and wake up again crying because I know that I should move forward and I should just move on.

Why am I so stupid? Why did I not stop? I mean, why did I stay despite the fact that you won't really love me back? And why did I admit it? Why do I have to be responsible for this thing? Why do I have to hurt myself this much? Maybe because I am really in love with you, maybe because I would rather choose fake happiness and love from you than move on because with you I feel so safe. Why am I not leaving this cycle? It's been 3 long years yet I am still here. I am so tired. I am so tired of hearing myself saying that at least I've loved, at least I've waited, because the truth is I have been waiting for nothing, I have been suffering from a shameless one-sided love, and I have been stupid for so long. But what makes this hurt more is that I am missing you, that I still need to see you every day and experience a twitching feeling inside, and that I have to fight everyday just to survive.

One thing I know is I want to stop and even though it will hurt more, even though I am sacrificing things now, I will bear it just to be happy again.