Monday, November 26, 2012
Inconsistency
What I hate about people is there inconsistency. They will make you happy and they will break you after. They will leave and they will come back and ask you to be in their lives again. They will hate you and they will make you hate yourself as well but after that they will say how much they love you. Fluctuating feelings, insecurities, and trust issues, why do I have to take all these? Life is unfair I know but how much shit can I take? Do I really want to continue or do I need to stop? Will I run or will I stay on their side? What will I do? I don't know, I am stuck with being ecstatic and sad after, I am stuck with this ironic feeling. I want to stop but if ever I will stop will I be happy? I don't know but one thing I know is I want to stop myself from feeling too much pain. I can't handle this anymore. I just want to be happy.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Animosity
Too tired to sleep, that's what I usually feel for the past few months. It's been how long since I poured myself out and talked about someone here. This blog has been made since I met that person. He is not the main reason why I made this blogspot, but I am fond of writing things about him. Of course I am still fond of writing something about him even though he doesn't like me at all, even though he doesn't want me to expect, even though the word us will never exist. Too much drama huh?
I've cried a lot for that person, I've given too much that maybe pain isn't enough to define how it feels like to fall for him, and all I want to do now is stop. I know that people will still notice me looking at him or even staring sometimes but I can't wait for him any longer. It's not that I am obligated to wait but I think I still want to wait before because I thought he will come and rescue me from the pain that I am feeling upon loving him.
I guess I never wrote the whole story here, so yeah I will just make the long story shorter. Three years ago I met him, he was generous, funny, exciting, arrogant, and I think stupid. He is reliable, he is a good man, and he is lazy. I guess him being so reliable makes me like him. Well at first I just like him as a friend then I just woke up one day and realized that I romantically like him because of his character. He's not a flower boy and I think people will agree with me that he is not even cute. But I like him, I like him because he is reliable, he is quite sweet, he makes me feel secure, and he makes me happy; too cheesy for a person who hurt me number of times. Since I was a good friend of his way back, I let him consumed me. I made some of his assignments, projects, sent my notes about our subjects in school, tutored him, and absorbed every rant that he made. While I was doing those things for him, he will just ignore everything about me after getting what he needs from me. It becomes a routine that serves as one of the reasons why I hate him now.
Second year of me being a shoulder to cry and rely on type-of-friend-slash-commodity was the most challenging year ever. Having a low self-esteem I usually ask myself why am I not enough, why can't he like me the way I like him? I began to askmyself if he is saying/sending sweet nothings to everyone. I question myself why does he have to say those three words to me? My world was literally shaken by his warmth. I never thought that someone like him, who usually wants to build a good image can do that to a person. I never felt so consumed before, I never thought that I could really do those things for him, and I never thought that strong feeling will cause me heartache. The second year of being with him was hell. I do not even want to see him because I really hate what he made me or should I say what I chose to be because of loving him too much.
The third year was like a roller-coaster ride for both of us I guess. I thought I was already okay. I cope quite well with my studies and I know for a fact that people sometimes just need you that's why they will consume you selfishly just to survive. But there comes a point that I told him how hateful he is, how he made me hope for that basketball game, how pathetic I've become because of him, how he literally made me a doormat leaving all his shits to me and abandoning me after. I am not trying to defend him but I know that he tried so hard to patch things up but yeah it didn't really work out. Then the last major event is me confessing my stupid feelings for him and I guess that was the most painful part ever. I don't know how to explain the pain, I feel so vulnerable and expose and lonely and everything in between. I felt like I wasn't worth it of anyone's love, that no matter how hard I try I will end up failing, and that people will just use me and abandon me after.
Now I am still experiencing pain but I guess I am learning how to deal with it day by day. I don't want to force myself and think that I've already moved on and that I don't love him anymore, but I will be strong. I am still confuse, I still don't know where to go, but one thing I know is that I don't want to be stuck with those memories anymore. I want to break free from everything that I've experienced. I am no longer crying every night and making scenarios about us anymore. I am no longer waiting for his I love you once more, and I already know for a fact that he never loved me the way that I want to. I just want to be the best actress of my own story now, I no longer want to be the best supporting actress or a second choice. I did not fully recover from that heartache and I learned that this will take me longer compared to other people but I can say that I am recovering each day and moving forward little by little as time goes by. It wouldn't be easy or shorter than people are expecting it to be but I will be there soon, I know I will be. I just need to have a little faith.
Still, I am a romanticist who is expecting for true love to come. True love that will be all worth it. How and when and who, I still don't know, but I want to end this chapter now and chase for my true love. Maybe true love isn't a who at all, maybe true love is being happy, maybe true love is acceptance, I really don't know and I don't know how to end this blog too.
P.S. Maybe I should write the things that I hate and love about that person soon or maybe I should stop writing about him. Hahaha
It's already 3:05 am I am sleepy and I guess I already made a short story about that person whom I am fond of writing. So, goodnight.
I've cried a lot for that person, I've given too much that maybe pain isn't enough to define how it feels like to fall for him, and all I want to do now is stop. I know that people will still notice me looking at him or even staring sometimes but I can't wait for him any longer. It's not that I am obligated to wait but I think I still want to wait before because I thought he will come and rescue me from the pain that I am feeling upon loving him.
I guess I never wrote the whole story here, so yeah I will just make the long story shorter. Three years ago I met him, he was generous, funny, exciting, arrogant, and I think stupid. He is reliable, he is a good man, and he is lazy. I guess him being so reliable makes me like him. Well at first I just like him as a friend then I just woke up one day and realized that I romantically like him because of his character. He's not a flower boy and I think people will agree with me that he is not even cute. But I like him, I like him because he is reliable, he is quite sweet, he makes me feel secure, and he makes me happy; too cheesy for a person who hurt me number of times. Since I was a good friend of his way back, I let him consumed me. I made some of his assignments, projects, sent my notes about our subjects in school, tutored him, and absorbed every rant that he made. While I was doing those things for him, he will just ignore everything about me after getting what he needs from me. It becomes a routine that serves as one of the reasons why I hate him now.
Second year of me being a shoulder to cry and rely on type-of-friend-slash-commodity was the most challenging year ever. Having a low self-esteem I usually ask myself why am I not enough, why can't he like me the way I like him? I began to askmyself if he is saying/sending sweet nothings to everyone. I question myself why does he have to say those three words to me? My world was literally shaken by his warmth. I never thought that someone like him, who usually wants to build a good image can do that to a person. I never felt so consumed before, I never thought that I could really do those things for him, and I never thought that strong feeling will cause me heartache. The second year of being with him was hell. I do not even want to see him because I really hate what he made me or should I say what I chose to be because of loving him too much.
The third year was like a roller-coaster ride for both of us I guess. I thought I was already okay. I cope quite well with my studies and I know for a fact that people sometimes just need you that's why they will consume you selfishly just to survive. But there comes a point that I told him how hateful he is, how he made me hope for that basketball game, how pathetic I've become because of him, how he literally made me a doormat leaving all his shits to me and abandoning me after. I am not trying to defend him but I know that he tried so hard to patch things up but yeah it didn't really work out. Then the last major event is me confessing my stupid feelings for him and I guess that was the most painful part ever. I don't know how to explain the pain, I feel so vulnerable and expose and lonely and everything in between. I felt like I wasn't worth it of anyone's love, that no matter how hard I try I will end up failing, and that people will just use me and abandon me after.
Now I am still experiencing pain but I guess I am learning how to deal with it day by day. I don't want to force myself and think that I've already moved on and that I don't love him anymore, but I will be strong. I am still confuse, I still don't know where to go, but one thing I know is that I don't want to be stuck with those memories anymore. I want to break free from everything that I've experienced. I am no longer crying every night and making scenarios about us anymore. I am no longer waiting for his I love you once more, and I already know for a fact that he never loved me the way that I want to. I just want to be the best actress of my own story now, I no longer want to be the best supporting actress or a second choice. I did not fully recover from that heartache and I learned that this will take me longer compared to other people but I can say that I am recovering each day and moving forward little by little as time goes by. It wouldn't be easy or shorter than people are expecting it to be but I will be there soon, I know I will be. I just need to have a little faith.
Still, I am a romanticist who is expecting for true love to come. True love that will be all worth it. How and when and who, I still don't know, but I want to end this chapter now and chase for my true love. Maybe true love isn't a who at all, maybe true love is being happy, maybe true love is acceptance, I really don't know and I don't know how to end this blog too.
P.S. Maybe I should write the things that I hate and love about that person soon or maybe I should stop writing about him. Hahaha
It's already 3:05 am I am sleepy and I guess I already made a short story about that person whom I am fond of writing. So, goodnight.
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