Change, what is it anyway?

As my professor in history taught us, Heraclitus stated that the only thing that is permanent in this world is change. I was struck by that thought, I mean change? Who isn't afraid of it right? I was one of them, I was afraid of that change, I do not want people saying how I change and I cannot even grasp what change is all about. But then I conclude that change exist because people choose it.

I chose it. I keep that mantra in mind that I chose it. And it is liberating to think that I choose that change and that I choose it for the better. I choose it for myself and I choose myself. This random though occurred to me while I am reading something. I cried so hard because of that book and honestly I am still wiping my tears now because of it. I was busy working my ass out and wasn't able to have this me time that I keep on delaying because I thought that I do not need it. And so here I am saying this thing. I know that I made the right choice, I am really letting go of all those insecurities day by day, I am still fearful but finally I chose her, I fought for her. I keep on saying that nobody fought for me but I was the one denying myself that privilege. Part of me was damaged because of other people but part of me was also damaged because I didn't choose myself, I didn't fight for myself. But now I will really try hard to fight for myself. I will choose myself and I will love her wholeheartedly. I have to face all the baggage that I carry all these years. I have to face it. I must!

Another Lesson

This is the time for new beginning and for a new life –that’s what I am thinking whenever I am seeing you. It’s as if you liberated me and you gave me the power to soar high and pursue anything. Instead of being negative and thinking of anything else you allowed me to leap my feet and walk towards the end of the road where we will go on separate ways. It is as if the pain that I’ve experienced made me realized how precious I am, how deserving I am to be happy, and how much people love me. Even though I have nothing but a broken spirit I have time to heal all wounds and I survived the catastrophe that life has given me.

I thought that life’s lessons are nothing but sugar-coated words or a consolation in everything that a person has to experienced but no life’s lessons allow you to choose better things and to make you realize what you really want. Honestly I wanted you to run to me before, I want you to beg and realize how worth it I am, but the truth is I am the one who should run to myself and I should be the one who should realize my worth as a person. Yes, you cannot reciprocate the love that I gave you but the hardest thing to realize is I didn’t even try to love myself even once. You can reject me over and over again and make me hope for nothing but I know that it was my choice whether to stay or not after all.

Now I have to open a new book and I have to ease the pain. As the cliché goes “I have to love myself first before loving other people.” If this thing happens I won’t be afraid to love again because of I know that I can give more love not just to that someone but to myself as well and I am whole and not waiting and depending my wholeness to someone that I will love. Now it will be over and I will face everything with my head high and I will treasure every moment.

Baduy

Last na kakornihan na ito, last na kabaduyan, hindi ito english dahil ayoko, ayoko na ring magisip kung tama ang spelling nito o ang grammar.

Pagod na ko talaga. Wala na kong masabi pang iba. Ayoko ng umasa sa wala, ayoko ng mabighani masyado sa mga bagay na pansamantala lang namang andyan. May nagsabi sa akin noon na hindi s'ya mawawala kahit anong mangyari, hindi raw nya ko iiwan, pero hindi e, hindi nya ginawa yun, nawala sya nung kailangan ko s'ya. Pero andito pa rin naman ako kahit wala na sya. Hindi ko naman pala sya kailangan para makaya yung mga bagay bagay. I even survive those times even though it hurts too much and now I can still survive.

Tama na ang pagpili sa'yo kasi kahit kelan naman hindi mo ko pinili. para lang akong laruan na kapag wala kang malaro lalaruin mo. At kapag nakita mo na ang gusto mo talaga ay iiwan mo. Pagod na kong makaramdam ng ganoon. Tama na, ayoko na ring maalala ka pa. Sana makalimutan ko na lahat-lahat.

And now I want to blame my memory for every pain, nervousness, and loneliness that I am feeling.

I met you 3 years ago and thinking of our last moments make me nostalgic tonight. All I want to do is talk to you, run to you, and swallow my pride, but I guess swallowing my pride will just cause me harm. I do not want to ask for something that's not for me anymore, I do not want to hope for more, and for the nth time all I want to do is forget you, seems like our memories are still in my mind and pain still stings in my heart. I do not want to do this anymore, yet things remind me of you. Your laugh makes me happy and your text messages make my heart swoon but your actions also hurt me the most, it feels like I am in a roller coaster and I cannot stop myself from riding it. Little by little I am trying to resist you although that does not stop my heart from aching too much.

Why do I have to feel this way? You told me yourself that I am not even deserving of this pain and I deserve to be happy but why can't I let go of you fully? It has been 3 years and that only caused me pain and hatred. BUT WHY CAN'T I STOP MYSELF FROM FEELING THIS WAY? I do not want to be sad anymore, I want to show the world that I am brave enough to face all of these things, and I want to make you feel that you don't affect me anymore. However nightmares of vision about me and you and about us sometimes occur to me and everything is like a cycle that I cannot fully escape into.

But I do not want to wait in vain anymore and I do not want to hope for more because I know that those things won't happen no matter how hard I try and how long I wait for you...

No, I will not

Stop when you are already hurting, stop when you think you are no longer growing because of too much pain, and stop if you know that you are waiting for nothing. I want to be happy that's what I usually say yet I am not doing anything to be that person who I want to be. I am settling for maybe(s), for what if(s), for safe answers, for unrealistic moments, and for promises which were already broken, maybe because I want to feel something from that person, I want to feel that I am important, that somewhere in between I want him to look at me even once. I forgot to look at myself, I didn't see how special I am, and I didn't realize how worth it I am.

I am tired of being the second option, I don't want to look at myself and say how pathetic I am because I am waiting for someone to comeback and fulfill all his promises, and I don't want to be stupid anymore. I need to break free, I need to conquer every fear that I have, and I have to stand with my own feet. I know that he doesn't know this but the amount of pain that I am feeling right now is not something that he is familiar with. This pain can make me the strongest girl that he'd encountered, this girl will never be destroyed by anything that is superficial, and this girl wouldn't be afraid to love again after everything that happened. I can survive you and you will not be the last guy that I will love. You are not the last guy on earth and in case you don't know it yet, I am a bitch, baby. :)

Stronger

I want to be happy that's all that I want now. I want to feel the love that people are giving me. I've been blocking that love because of waiting for someone. But I guess I cannot wait  for it anymore. I decided to walkaway not because I want to but because I don't want to be broken anymore. I want to hide but I know that I can't do it anymore. I should conquer my fears and break free from it. It's just that sometimes I feel like I am nothing yet people are there to guide me and lift my spirit up.

I will be brave because I know that people who love me will be with me until I can let go of this anger and this pain. I will let go because I know that I am worth it and I deserve more.

2 steps forward

They've asked me if I already move on and all I can do is say yes. They even asked me if I really loved you and I do not really know what to say. Is it really in past tense now? Am I really moving forward? Or am I just denying everything to protect myself from being broken?

I feel like I am really recovering now. I think I am afraid of forgetting you before that's why I can't move on. I am afraid because I am still expecting you to walk to me and say that you love me, that you mean everything that you said, and that you did not use me. But when everything has been said and done I realize that you cannot love me the way that I wanted you to. I can't force you to love me because that will make me so pathetic and that will rip my heart more. I will not ask you to love me; all I will ask you is to let me go. You don't even love me so just let me go. I know that I flatter you because I love you but stop being so nice and stop making me feel that you are always here for me. I need to forget you as well. I need to move on and hopefully love again. I have no option but to forget you because you can't give me what I want. I am not as happy as other people but I know that I am making a progress, I already gave almost everything to you, please help me regain myself. I know that this will not be easy and I still don't know if I can love this much again but I will heal myself. I am doing great, I sometimes feel terrible but I know that I am doing well. I still miss you sometimes, I still have the urge to talk to you or yell at you whenever I feel like you are acting like a fool or you are being noisy, I still want you to approach me and just be with me, and I still want you near me but I have to control everything that I am feeling. I want to be happy and I know that I won't be truly happy if I will wait for things to happen and if I will wait for that moment when you can finally say that you love me.

You never loved me, not at all. You treated me as special as you can to consume me. You need me and I was the only one willing to helped you that time. I do not want to cry and weep anymore. I need to get up and deal with this pain. I will forget you.

Beyond those eyes

I am tired of fighting for the things that I have to give up because of tragedies that usually happen in my head. I do not know why I am feeling like this. I do not want to feel inferior, sad, or anything in between those feelings, all I want to do is be happy. But how will I do it? I am tired of exerting too much effort to something that will never be mine. I am afraid of being pathetic and fight for things that will only make my life complicated. All I want to do is run, I do not want to see the things that make me gloomy, I want to avoid the shadow that usually run after me, but like a masochist I chase after everything I want, even though I need to leave those things because they are not mine, no, there was I time that I thought they were all mine, then things happened.

I am just tired of fighting for things. I want to hide in a place where I can be myself or where I can own the things that are supposedly mine. I do not want to fight for things anymore, I just want to stop and walkaway. But I guess that giving up without fighting makes me so shameful and coward. And I know that I am all those things: I am shameful and coward and I am not used to fighting for what I truly feel. I think I have no reason to fight because sometimes people are too selfish making me feel like I cannot have anything while they are there owning the whole world. I guess this will seal everything, I should just let it pass, let go of those things and convert all the negative feelings into something more significant. I do not want to be bothered by it anymore, I want to move on. I do not want to be vulnerable because I know that I cannot be that person forever.

I want to own things and I know that I deserve all of it.