2 steps forward

They've asked me if I already move on and all I can do is say yes. They even asked me if I really loved you and I do not really know what to say. Is it really in past tense now? Am I really moving forward? Or am I just denying everything to protect myself from being broken?

I feel like I am really recovering now. I think I am afraid of forgetting you before that's why I can't move on. I am afraid because I am still expecting you to walk to me and say that you love me, that you mean everything that you said, and that you did not use me. But when everything has been said and done I realize that you cannot love me the way that I wanted you to. I can't force you to love me because that will make me so pathetic and that will rip my heart more. I will not ask you to love me; all I will ask you is to let me go. You don't even love me so just let me go. I know that I flatter you because I love you but stop being so nice and stop making me feel that you are always here for me. I need to forget you as well. I need to move on and hopefully love again. I have no option but to forget you because you can't give me what I want. I am not as happy as other people but I know that I am making a progress, I already gave almost everything to you, please help me regain myself. I know that this will not be easy and I still don't know if I can love this much again but I will heal myself. I am doing great, I sometimes feel terrible but I know that I am doing well. I still miss you sometimes, I still have the urge to talk to you or yell at you whenever I feel like you are acting like a fool or you are being noisy, I still want you to approach me and just be with me, and I still want you near me but I have to control everything that I am feeling. I want to be happy and I know that I won't be truly happy if I will wait for things to happen and if I will wait for that moment when you can finally say that you love me.

You never loved me, not at all. You treated me as special as you can to consume me. You need me and I was the only one willing to helped you that time. I do not want to cry and weep anymore. I need to get up and deal with this pain. I will forget you.

Beyond those eyes

I am tired of fighting for the things that I have to give up because of tragedies that usually happen in my head. I do not know why I am feeling like this. I do not want to feel inferior, sad, or anything in between those feelings, all I want to do is be happy. But how will I do it? I am tired of exerting too much effort to something that will never be mine. I am afraid of being pathetic and fight for things that will only make my life complicated. All I want to do is run, I do not want to see the things that make me gloomy, I want to avoid the shadow that usually run after me, but like a masochist I chase after everything I want, even though I need to leave those things because they are not mine, no, there was I time that I thought they were all mine, then things happened.

I am just tired of fighting for things. I want to hide in a place where I can be myself or where I can own the things that are supposedly mine. I do not want to fight for things anymore, I just want to stop and walkaway. But I guess that giving up without fighting makes me so shameful and coward. And I know that I am all those things: I am shameful and coward and I am not used to fighting for what I truly feel. I think I have no reason to fight because sometimes people are too selfish making me feel like I cannot have anything while they are there owning the whole world. I guess this will seal everything, I should just let it pass, let go of those things and convert all the negative feelings into something more significant. I do not want to be bothered by it anymore, I want to move on. I do not want to be vulnerable because I know that I cannot be that person forever.

I want to own things and I know that I deserve all of it.