Baduy

Last na kakornihan na ito, last na kabaduyan, hindi ito english dahil ayoko, ayoko na ring magisip kung tama ang spelling nito o ang grammar.

Pagod na ko talaga. Wala na kong masabi pang iba. Ayoko ng umasa sa wala, ayoko ng mabighani masyado sa mga bagay na pansamantala lang namang andyan. May nagsabi sa akin noon na hindi s'ya mawawala kahit anong mangyari, hindi raw nya ko iiwan, pero hindi e, hindi nya ginawa yun, nawala sya nung kailangan ko s'ya. Pero andito pa rin naman ako kahit wala na sya. Hindi ko naman pala sya kailangan para makaya yung mga bagay bagay. I even survive those times even though it hurts too much and now I can still survive.

Tama na ang pagpili sa'yo kasi kahit kelan naman hindi mo ko pinili. para lang akong laruan na kapag wala kang malaro lalaruin mo. At kapag nakita mo na ang gusto mo talaga ay iiwan mo. Pagod na kong makaramdam ng ganoon. Tama na, ayoko na ring maalala ka pa. Sana makalimutan ko na lahat-lahat.

And now I want to blame my memory for every pain, nervousness, and loneliness that I am feeling.

I met you 3 years ago and thinking of our last moments make me nostalgic tonight. All I want to do is talk to you, run to you, and swallow my pride, but I guess swallowing my pride will just cause me harm. I do not want to ask for something that's not for me anymore, I do not want to hope for more, and for the nth time all I want to do is forget you, seems like our memories are still in my mind and pain still stings in my heart. I do not want to do this anymore, yet things remind me of you. Your laugh makes me happy and your text messages make my heart swoon but your actions also hurt me the most, it feels like I am in a roller coaster and I cannot stop myself from riding it. Little by little I am trying to resist you although that does not stop my heart from aching too much.

Why do I have to feel this way? You told me yourself that I am not even deserving of this pain and I deserve to be happy but why can't I let go of you fully? It has been 3 years and that only caused me pain and hatred. BUT WHY CAN'T I STOP MYSELF FROM FEELING THIS WAY? I do not want to be sad anymore, I want to show the world that I am brave enough to face all of these things, and I want to make you feel that you don't affect me anymore. However nightmares of vision about me and you and about us sometimes occur to me and everything is like a cycle that I cannot fully escape into.

But I do not want to wait in vain anymore and I do not want to hope for more because I know that those things won't happen no matter how hard I try and how long I wait for you...

No, I will not

Stop when you are already hurting, stop when you think you are no longer growing because of too much pain, and stop if you know that you are waiting for nothing. I want to be happy that's what I usually say yet I am not doing anything to be that person who I want to be. I am settling for maybe(s), for what if(s), for safe answers, for unrealistic moments, and for promises which were already broken, maybe because I want to feel something from that person, I want to feel that I am important, that somewhere in between I want him to look at me even once. I forgot to look at myself, I didn't see how special I am, and I didn't realize how worth it I am.

I am tired of being the second option, I don't want to look at myself and say how pathetic I am because I am waiting for someone to comeback and fulfill all his promises, and I don't want to be stupid anymore. I need to break free, I need to conquer every fear that I have, and I have to stand with my own feet. I know that he doesn't know this but the amount of pain that I am feeling right now is not something that he is familiar with. This pain can make me the strongest girl that he'd encountered, this girl will never be destroyed by anything that is superficial, and this girl wouldn't be afraid to love again after everything that happened. I can survive you and you will not be the last guy that I will love. You are not the last guy on earth and in case you don't know it yet, I am a bitch, baby. :)

Stronger

I want to be happy that's all that I want now. I want to feel the love that people are giving me. I've been blocking that love because of waiting for someone. But I guess I cannot wait  for it anymore. I decided to walkaway not because I want to but because I don't want to be broken anymore. I want to hide but I know that I can't do it anymore. I should conquer my fears and break free from it. It's just that sometimes I feel like I am nothing yet people are there to guide me and lift my spirit up.

I will be brave because I know that people who love me will be with me until I can let go of this anger and this pain. I will let go because I know that I am worth it and I deserve more.