And now I want to blame my memory for every pain, nervousness, and loneliness that I am feeling.

I met you 3 years ago and thinking of our last moments make me nostalgic tonight. All I want to do is talk to you, run to you, and swallow my pride, but I guess swallowing my pride will just cause me harm. I do not want to ask for something that's not for me anymore, I do not want to hope for more, and for the nth time all I want to do is forget you, seems like our memories are still in my mind and pain still stings in my heart. I do not want to do this anymore, yet things remind me of you. Your laugh makes me happy and your text messages make my heart swoon but your actions also hurt me the most, it feels like I am in a roller coaster and I cannot stop myself from riding it. Little by little I am trying to resist you although that does not stop my heart from aching too much.

Why do I have to feel this way? You told me yourself that I am not even deserving of this pain and I deserve to be happy but why can't I let go of you fully? It has been 3 years and that only caused me pain and hatred. BUT WHY CAN'T I STOP MYSELF FROM FEELING THIS WAY? I do not want to be sad anymore, I want to show the world that I am brave enough to face all of these things, and I want to make you feel that you don't affect me anymore. However nightmares of vision about me and you and about us sometimes occur to me and everything is like a cycle that I cannot fully escape into.

But I do not want to wait in vain anymore and I do not want to hope for more because I know that those things won't happen no matter how hard I try and how long I wait for you...