I thought all you have to do is trust people and everything will be fine. Maybe it's not true at all. Maybe you have to examine over and over again if that person is really trustworthy and will never use your vulnerability against you.
I find it weird before that in Dante's inferno betrayal is located at the 9th circle of hell and then reality strikes and gave me a goddamn realization. Betrayal is really the worst kind of sin. It will consume you and it will make you hate the world. It will make you the worst person. It will make you hate yourself. It will make you want to ruin someone's life. It will make you vengeful. It will make you braver but will break you over and over again. It will make you regret trusting lots of people. And it will make you believe how awful it is to trust people that easy.
I am miserable right now. I am really angry and I hate myself for being like this. I hate myself for trusting people too much, but I hate other people more because they mess up pretty well with me. They know my Achille's heel and they took advantage of it. And I hate myself for being so transparent, for giving away my weakness, and for allowing them to use me over and over again. This is all my fault, I really allow this to happened. But I won't let them do this anymore. I will be strong. I will use this pain to survive this hell. Or maybe I should bring them to hell as well? Maybe I should take my revenge? Or maybe I should just stop trusting people. Maybe I should really choose the people that I let in my life. Maybe I should show them how to handle people who will throw shit on you. Maybe I should prove to them that being a bully will take them nowhere. Being cool doesn't necessarily mean hurting other people, it is about you standing for what you truly believe in and not using other people's vulnerability just to show the world how cool yo can be. It's bullshit to take advantage of other people. It will give you a little satisfaction but it will break you afterwards. It will hurt you more than you thought of hurting other people. Breaking other people's trust and bullying will make you the worst person.
You want vengeance then I will give you smile. I will prove to you that betrayal will always be the most painful and most sinful thing ever. Yes let me prove it to you, let me prove to you how happy I can be after this. Let me show you how I shine from this formidable challenge.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Relinquish: break free from pain
I just can't stop myself from liking you. But seriously I will do everything to do that. I hate that you're even in my dreams, I hate that you can still hurt me, and I hate to play the role of the victim.
I just want to slap you big time right now. But how will I explain myself after doing that? You are not mine. You don't even love me. You are just using me to satisfy your ego, you asshole! I am tired of crying and weeping over you. I just want a peaceful life and I want to be truly happy. Why can't you give me that satisfaction? At least give me the opportunity to gather myself again and heal every wound.
But how will I start mending my broken spirit if you are always there pulling me closer to you and dropping me like a hot potato afterwards? How will I forget you if even my favorite food reminds me of you? How will I start over again if you are the only man that I really love this much? I am tired of doing this anymore. I don't want to be part of a one-sided love anymore. I want to be the main actress in my own movie. I want to be the only girl that someone will love and not just someone who will wait to be loved by you. All I want to do is break free and runaway from you. Will I be able to do this? Of course I can!
I just want to slap you big time right now. But how will I explain myself after doing that? You are not mine. You don't even love me. You are just using me to satisfy your ego, you asshole! I am tired of crying and weeping over you. I just want a peaceful life and I want to be truly happy. Why can't you give me that satisfaction? At least give me the opportunity to gather myself again and heal every wound.
But how will I start mending my broken spirit if you are always there pulling me closer to you and dropping me like a hot potato afterwards? How will I forget you if even my favorite food reminds me of you? How will I start over again if you are the only man that I really love this much? I am tired of doing this anymore. I don't want to be part of a one-sided love anymore. I want to be the main actress in my own movie. I want to be the only girl that someone will love and not just someone who will wait to be loved by you. All I want to do is break free and runaway from you. Will I be able to do this? Of course I can!
Monday, November 26, 2012
Inconsistency
What I hate about people is there inconsistency. They will make you happy and they will break you after. They will leave and they will come back and ask you to be in their lives again. They will hate you and they will make you hate yourself as well but after that they will say how much they love you. Fluctuating feelings, insecurities, and trust issues, why do I have to take all these? Life is unfair I know but how much shit can I take? Do I really want to continue or do I need to stop? Will I run or will I stay on their side? What will I do? I don't know, I am stuck with being ecstatic and sad after, I am stuck with this ironic feeling. I want to stop but if ever I will stop will I be happy? I don't know but one thing I know is I want to stop myself from feeling too much pain. I can't handle this anymore. I just want to be happy.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Animosity
Too tired to sleep, that's what I usually feel for the past few months. It's been how long since I poured myself out and talked about someone here. This blog has been made since I met that person. He is not the main reason why I made this blogspot, but I am fond of writing things about him. Of course I am still fond of writing something about him even though he doesn't like me at all, even though he doesn't want me to expect, even though the word us will never exist. Too much drama huh?
I've cried a lot for that person, I've given too much that maybe pain isn't enough to define how it feels like to fall for him, and all I want to do now is stop. I know that people will still notice me looking at him or even staring sometimes but I can't wait for him any longer. It's not that I am obligated to wait but I think I still want to wait before because I thought he will come and rescue me from the pain that I am feeling upon loving him.
I guess I never wrote the whole story here, so yeah I will just make the long story shorter. Three years ago I met him, he was generous, funny, exciting, arrogant, and I think stupid. He is reliable, he is a good man, and he is lazy. I guess him being so reliable makes me like him. Well at first I just like him as a friend then I just woke up one day and realized that I romantically like him because of his character. He's not a flower boy and I think people will agree with me that he is not even cute. But I like him, I like him because he is reliable, he is quite sweet, he makes me feel secure, and he makes me happy; too cheesy for a person who hurt me number of times. Since I was a good friend of his way back, I let him consumed me. I made some of his assignments, projects, sent my notes about our subjects in school, tutored him, and absorbed every rant that he made. While I was doing those things for him, he will just ignore everything about me after getting what he needs from me. It becomes a routine that serves as one of the reasons why I hate him now.
Second year of me being a shoulder to cry and rely on type-of-friend-slash-commodity was the most challenging year ever. Having a low self-esteem I usually ask myself why am I not enough, why can't he like me the way I like him? I began to askmyself if he is saying/sending sweet nothings to everyone. I question myself why does he have to say those three words to me? My world was literally shaken by his warmth. I never thought that someone like him, who usually wants to build a good image can do that to a person. I never felt so consumed before, I never thought that I could really do those things for him, and I never thought that strong feeling will cause me heartache. The second year of being with him was hell. I do not even want to see him because I really hate what he made me or should I say what I chose to be because of loving him too much.
The third year was like a roller-coaster ride for both of us I guess. I thought I was already okay. I cope quite well with my studies and I know for a fact that people sometimes just need you that's why they will consume you selfishly just to survive. But there comes a point that I told him how hateful he is, how he made me hope for that basketball game, how pathetic I've become because of him, how he literally made me a doormat leaving all his shits to me and abandoning me after. I am not trying to defend him but I know that he tried so hard to patch things up but yeah it didn't really work out. Then the last major event is me confessing my stupid feelings for him and I guess that was the most painful part ever. I don't know how to explain the pain, I feel so vulnerable and expose and lonely and everything in between. I felt like I wasn't worth it of anyone's love, that no matter how hard I try I will end up failing, and that people will just use me and abandon me after.
Now I am still experiencing pain but I guess I am learning how to deal with it day by day. I don't want to force myself and think that I've already moved on and that I don't love him anymore, but I will be strong. I am still confuse, I still don't know where to go, but one thing I know is that I don't want to be stuck with those memories anymore. I want to break free from everything that I've experienced. I am no longer crying every night and making scenarios about us anymore. I am no longer waiting for his I love you once more, and I already know for a fact that he never loved me the way that I want to. I just want to be the best actress of my own story now, I no longer want to be the best supporting actress or a second choice. I did not fully recover from that heartache and I learned that this will take me longer compared to other people but I can say that I am recovering each day and moving forward little by little as time goes by. It wouldn't be easy or shorter than people are expecting it to be but I will be there soon, I know I will be. I just need to have a little faith.
Still, I am a romanticist who is expecting for true love to come. True love that will be all worth it. How and when and who, I still don't know, but I want to end this chapter now and chase for my true love. Maybe true love isn't a who at all, maybe true love is being happy, maybe true love is acceptance, I really don't know and I don't know how to end this blog too.
P.S. Maybe I should write the things that I hate and love about that person soon or maybe I should stop writing about him. Hahaha
It's already 3:05 am I am sleepy and I guess I already made a short story about that person whom I am fond of writing. So, goodnight.
I've cried a lot for that person, I've given too much that maybe pain isn't enough to define how it feels like to fall for him, and all I want to do now is stop. I know that people will still notice me looking at him or even staring sometimes but I can't wait for him any longer. It's not that I am obligated to wait but I think I still want to wait before because I thought he will come and rescue me from the pain that I am feeling upon loving him.
I guess I never wrote the whole story here, so yeah I will just make the long story shorter. Three years ago I met him, he was generous, funny, exciting, arrogant, and I think stupid. He is reliable, he is a good man, and he is lazy. I guess him being so reliable makes me like him. Well at first I just like him as a friend then I just woke up one day and realized that I romantically like him because of his character. He's not a flower boy and I think people will agree with me that he is not even cute. But I like him, I like him because he is reliable, he is quite sweet, he makes me feel secure, and he makes me happy; too cheesy for a person who hurt me number of times. Since I was a good friend of his way back, I let him consumed me. I made some of his assignments, projects, sent my notes about our subjects in school, tutored him, and absorbed every rant that he made. While I was doing those things for him, he will just ignore everything about me after getting what he needs from me. It becomes a routine that serves as one of the reasons why I hate him now.
Second year of me being a shoulder to cry and rely on type-of-friend-slash-commodity was the most challenging year ever. Having a low self-esteem I usually ask myself why am I not enough, why can't he like me the way I like him? I began to askmyself if he is saying/sending sweet nothings to everyone. I question myself why does he have to say those three words to me? My world was literally shaken by his warmth. I never thought that someone like him, who usually wants to build a good image can do that to a person. I never felt so consumed before, I never thought that I could really do those things for him, and I never thought that strong feeling will cause me heartache. The second year of being with him was hell. I do not even want to see him because I really hate what he made me or should I say what I chose to be because of loving him too much.
The third year was like a roller-coaster ride for both of us I guess. I thought I was already okay. I cope quite well with my studies and I know for a fact that people sometimes just need you that's why they will consume you selfishly just to survive. But there comes a point that I told him how hateful he is, how he made me hope for that basketball game, how pathetic I've become because of him, how he literally made me a doormat leaving all his shits to me and abandoning me after. I am not trying to defend him but I know that he tried so hard to patch things up but yeah it didn't really work out. Then the last major event is me confessing my stupid feelings for him and I guess that was the most painful part ever. I don't know how to explain the pain, I feel so vulnerable and expose and lonely and everything in between. I felt like I wasn't worth it of anyone's love, that no matter how hard I try I will end up failing, and that people will just use me and abandon me after.
Now I am still experiencing pain but I guess I am learning how to deal with it day by day. I don't want to force myself and think that I've already moved on and that I don't love him anymore, but I will be strong. I am still confuse, I still don't know where to go, but one thing I know is that I don't want to be stuck with those memories anymore. I want to break free from everything that I've experienced. I am no longer crying every night and making scenarios about us anymore. I am no longer waiting for his I love you once more, and I already know for a fact that he never loved me the way that I want to. I just want to be the best actress of my own story now, I no longer want to be the best supporting actress or a second choice. I did not fully recover from that heartache and I learned that this will take me longer compared to other people but I can say that I am recovering each day and moving forward little by little as time goes by. It wouldn't be easy or shorter than people are expecting it to be but I will be there soon, I know I will be. I just need to have a little faith.
Still, I am a romanticist who is expecting for true love to come. True love that will be all worth it. How and when and who, I still don't know, but I want to end this chapter now and chase for my true love. Maybe true love isn't a who at all, maybe true love is being happy, maybe true love is acceptance, I really don't know and I don't know how to end this blog too.
P.S. Maybe I should write the things that I hate and love about that person soon or maybe I should stop writing about him. Hahaha
It's already 3:05 am I am sleepy and I guess I already made a short story about that person whom I am fond of writing. So, goodnight.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Do I have to think of a title for this?
It was a bright and sunny day, that's what I want to believe in. I used to think of it everyday, yet I feel like I am going to explode now.
Unappreciative people, I am so tired of saying it. I am tired of thinking that it will be different this time. I am tired of trying so hard and failing after. I am so tired of seeing used to be people. I am sad and feeling empty all at the same time. Yes, at least I know that.
Unappreciative people, I am so tired of saying it. I am tired of thinking that it will be different this time. I am tired of trying so hard and failing after. I am so tired of seeing used to be people. I am sad and feeling empty all at the same time. Yes, at least I know that.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Morning thoughts
I am still like a fool missing you a lot although you give me reasons not to.
You are there being happy with other people but I have those times where I can't even breath properly because of too much pain.
It is not your fault that you can't love me back and I know it is my fault because I've expected a lot from you.
As I turn my story into the next chapter I am hoping that you won't be there anymore. I don't know what to say now. Please stop making people hope for something that won't even happen.
You are there being happy with other people but I have those times where I can't even breath properly because of too much pain.
It is not your fault that you can't love me back and I know it is my fault because I've expected a lot from you.
As I turn my story into the next chapter I am hoping that you won't be there anymore. I don't know what to say now. Please stop making people hope for something that won't even happen.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Define namimiss = Ikaw
Madalas nauuna kong isulat ang laman ng aking isusulat bago ang pamagat nito, pero ngayon nakaisip ako ng korni na pamagat kaya inuna ko ito.
Dahil kakaunti lang naman ang nakakaaalam ng blog site na ito, nanaisin ko ng umamin dito. Oo na, tanga ka naman para hindi mo isipin na para lang sa'yo yun. Namimiss kita, yung nakakainis mong tawa, yung basa mong kamay, yung amoy ng damit mo na parang galing sa cabinet, yung mga nakakainis mong text messages na parang sa nanay ko lang nanggaling, yung ikaw, yung kahit na puro lang pambobola ay wala naman akong magawa kundi tignan lang at tawanan. Nakakainis ka naman, pero mas naiinis ako sa sarili ko, kasi kahit alam ko ng gago ka mahal na mahal pa rin kita.
Kung dati humihingi ako ng limang segundo para lang titigan ka, ngayon naiiwasan ko na. Kung dati isang pagkakamali mo lang nagsasalita na ko, ngayon napipigil ko na. Kung dati isang tanong mo lang mukha akong gamit na sumasagot sa'yo ng automatic ngayon hindi na rin. Maiba lang, gamitin ko naman ang sarili ko para sa sarili ko.
Pero kahit ganoon, may isang nagsabi sakin na bakit nga ba kahit gago ka, pinayagan ko ang sarili ko na magpakagago? Bakit kahit alam ko naman na bolero ka mas pinaniwalaan ko yung mga sinabi mo? Bakit kahit wala namang aasahan ay umasa ako? Samakatuwid, ako ang umasa, madalas sinasabi na walang aasa kung walang nagpapaasa, pero sa pagtatapos ng araw ganun naman talaga diba? Wala rin namang magpaasa kung walang aasa? Walang manggagamit kung walang magpapagamit? Walang maloloko kung walang nanloloko? Ayoko namang isisi sakin ang lahat ng bagay, pero gusto ko namang ibalik sakin ang mga bagay na nawala nung magsimula akong maging ang taong "umasa, nagpagamit, at nagpaloko." Gusto ko naman na maging totoo ang madalas kong sinasabi na mahal ko ang sarili ko, na importante ako. Gusto ko naman na maging masaya dahil masaya ako hindi dahil masaya ka lang.
Oo mahal kita, pero hindi naman ibig sabihin noon ay puwede na akong gamitin ng paulit-ulit hanggang sa maubos ako. Nandito na ang kongklusyon na hindi mo ako kayang mahalin, na kaibigan lang, na wala namang tayo, ako lang ito. Nakahain na ang katotohanan, ang kailangan ko nalang ngayon ay pagtanggap.
Kaya kahit nga miss na miss na kita, lilipas din to. Kaya nga kahit mahal na mahal pa rin kita, mawawala rin ito. Posible nga ang mahulog at magmahal e, kaya posible rin ang umusad at makalimot.
P.S. Eto na ata ang pinaka personal at pinaka korni na nasulat ko. Sorry na!
Dahil kakaunti lang naman ang nakakaaalam ng blog site na ito, nanaisin ko ng umamin dito. Oo na, tanga ka naman para hindi mo isipin na para lang sa'yo yun. Namimiss kita, yung nakakainis mong tawa, yung basa mong kamay, yung amoy ng damit mo na parang galing sa cabinet, yung mga nakakainis mong text messages na parang sa nanay ko lang nanggaling, yung ikaw, yung kahit na puro lang pambobola ay wala naman akong magawa kundi tignan lang at tawanan. Nakakainis ka naman, pero mas naiinis ako sa sarili ko, kasi kahit alam ko ng gago ka mahal na mahal pa rin kita.
Kung dati humihingi ako ng limang segundo para lang titigan ka, ngayon naiiwasan ko na. Kung dati isang pagkakamali mo lang nagsasalita na ko, ngayon napipigil ko na. Kung dati isang tanong mo lang mukha akong gamit na sumasagot sa'yo ng automatic ngayon hindi na rin. Maiba lang, gamitin ko naman ang sarili ko para sa sarili ko.
Pero kahit ganoon, may isang nagsabi sakin na bakit nga ba kahit gago ka, pinayagan ko ang sarili ko na magpakagago? Bakit kahit alam ko naman na bolero ka mas pinaniwalaan ko yung mga sinabi mo? Bakit kahit wala namang aasahan ay umasa ako? Samakatuwid, ako ang umasa, madalas sinasabi na walang aasa kung walang nagpapaasa, pero sa pagtatapos ng araw ganun naman talaga diba? Wala rin namang magpaasa kung walang aasa? Walang manggagamit kung walang magpapagamit? Walang maloloko kung walang nanloloko? Ayoko namang isisi sakin ang lahat ng bagay, pero gusto ko namang ibalik sakin ang mga bagay na nawala nung magsimula akong maging ang taong "umasa, nagpagamit, at nagpaloko." Gusto ko naman na maging totoo ang madalas kong sinasabi na mahal ko ang sarili ko, na importante ako. Gusto ko naman na maging masaya dahil masaya ako hindi dahil masaya ka lang.
Oo mahal kita, pero hindi naman ibig sabihin noon ay puwede na akong gamitin ng paulit-ulit hanggang sa maubos ako. Nandito na ang kongklusyon na hindi mo ako kayang mahalin, na kaibigan lang, na wala namang tayo, ako lang ito. Nakahain na ang katotohanan, ang kailangan ko nalang ngayon ay pagtanggap.
Kaya kahit nga miss na miss na kita, lilipas din to. Kaya nga kahit mahal na mahal pa rin kita, mawawala rin ito. Posible nga ang mahulog at magmahal e, kaya posible rin ang umusad at makalimot.
P.S. Eto na ata ang pinaka personal at pinaka korni na nasulat ko. Sorry na!
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Still wonderful
I hate it when it usually rains; rainy days reminded me of stupid memories and of you.
I just want you to say sorry to me. Yes, I am responsible for my feelings but sometimes I can't no longer handle this pain that all I can do is blame you for feeling this way. Happiness is always a choice but I hope I could really choose that. If only I could drink a pain-reliever every day to ease the pain, if only I can have selective amnesia, if I could go back to those times, I promise I won't listen to you.
Fuck this feeling; I don't deserve even an inch of this pain. I don't deserve lies, I don't deserve humiliation, and after all that we've been through I don't deserve this betrayal. I just want to stop crying anymore, I just want you to vanish, but how will that thing happen? I mean, this is not just my world and this is also your world. I also want to runaway, yet I still want to prove to myself that I can still fight this kind of battle.
But I would like to thank you for ruining me. Thank you for proving to me that all that I have considered real all those years were nothing but vague promises. Thank you for this kind of pain, I don't really deserve this, but I know that after some time I will thank you because this will make me a wonderful person. Thank you for all your lies, thank you for your so-called warmth, thank you for your make-believe statements, and thank you for all these sufferings.
Now are you happy? Are you happy seeing me miserable and crying over you? Are you happy seeing me broken? Well, fuck you, let me just clear things out.
To you bastard-asshole-hypocrite-user-unappreciative-liar man, how many are we? I mean, how many did you consume just to make you feel that you are superior and you can have everything? You have this hobby of ruining someone's life and saying to people that you love them even though that's a complete lie, your hobby is making people feel that they are important and you will just left them hanging. You said before that man is not a commodity, yet what are you doing now? WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING DOING NOW? You are ruining me, you've ruined me, why didn't you just stop? Why did you not just stop making me feel like I am just a thing that you can consume and leave after? Why did you make me wait for three fucking years? Why are you not even sorry? Why are you like that?!
People are people, some of them will leave but so what those who are deserving of all your attention will stay. And to those people who are with me in this journey, thank you, thank you for your genuine concern and I will really survive, not just to repay you toward your effort to me but for myself as well. I will never let this situation destroy me. Maybe this is an optimistic thought but I will move on. Yes, I will!
I just want you to say sorry to me. Yes, I am responsible for my feelings but sometimes I can't no longer handle this pain that all I can do is blame you for feeling this way. Happiness is always a choice but I hope I could really choose that. If only I could drink a pain-reliever every day to ease the pain, if only I can have selective amnesia, if I could go back to those times, I promise I won't listen to you.
Fuck this feeling; I don't deserve even an inch of this pain. I don't deserve lies, I don't deserve humiliation, and after all that we've been through I don't deserve this betrayal. I just want to stop crying anymore, I just want you to vanish, but how will that thing happen? I mean, this is not just my world and this is also your world. I also want to runaway, yet I still want to prove to myself that I can still fight this kind of battle.
But I would like to thank you for ruining me. Thank you for proving to me that all that I have considered real all those years were nothing but vague promises. Thank you for this kind of pain, I don't really deserve this, but I know that after some time I will thank you because this will make me a wonderful person. Thank you for all your lies, thank you for your so-called warmth, thank you for your make-believe statements, and thank you for all these sufferings.
Now are you happy? Are you happy seeing me miserable and crying over you? Are you happy seeing me broken? Well, fuck you, let me just clear things out.
To you bastard-asshole-hypocrite-user-unappreciative-liar man, how many are we? I mean, how many did you consume just to make you feel that you are superior and you can have everything? You have this hobby of ruining someone's life and saying to people that you love them even though that's a complete lie, your hobby is making people feel that they are important and you will just left them hanging. You said before that man is not a commodity, yet what are you doing now? WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING DOING NOW? You are ruining me, you've ruined me, why didn't you just stop? Why did you not just stop making me feel like I am just a thing that you can consume and leave after? Why did you make me wait for three fucking years? Why are you not even sorry? Why are you like that?!
People are people, some of them will leave but so what those who are deserving of all your attention will stay. And to those people who are with me in this journey, thank you, thank you for your genuine concern and I will really survive, not just to repay you toward your effort to me but for myself as well. I will never let this situation destroy me. Maybe this is an optimistic thought but I will move on. Yes, I will!
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Overlook
I am missing you already. I am missing your daily stupid text messages. I am missing the way you crank your oh-not-so funny jokes everyday. I am missing how mischievous you can be whenever we are together. And now I feel so stupid for writing something about you again.
I love you, asshole. I love you too much, too much that my heart hurts so much because you can't love me back. I love you and I know moving on is the best thing to do to save myself from misery. I love you even though you can't love me back. What's more painful is that I still love you although you can't give enough. This is too much for me, I can't take it anymore. My heart hurts, it really hurts that all I can do is cry. Cry until I can sleep, sleep and dream about everything we used to have, and wake up again crying because I know that I should move forward and I should just move on.
Why am I so stupid? Why did I not stop? I mean, why did I stay despite the fact that you won't really love me back? And why did I admit it? Why do I have to be responsible for this thing? Why do I have to hurt myself this much? Maybe because I am really in love with you, maybe because I would rather choose fake happiness and love from you than move on because with you I feel so safe. Why am I not leaving this cycle? It's been 3 long years yet I am still here. I am so tired. I am so tired of hearing myself saying that at least I've loved, at least I've waited, because the truth is I have been waiting for nothing, I have been suffering from a shameless one-sided love, and I have been stupid for so long. But what makes this hurt more is that I am missing you, that I still need to see you every day and experience a twitching feeling inside, and that I have to fight everyday just to survive.
One thing I know is I want to stop and even though it will hurt more, even though I am sacrificing things now, I will bear it just to be happy again.
I love you, asshole. I love you too much, too much that my heart hurts so much because you can't love me back. I love you and I know moving on is the best thing to do to save myself from misery. I love you even though you can't love me back. What's more painful is that I still love you although you can't give enough. This is too much for me, I can't take it anymore. My heart hurts, it really hurts that all I can do is cry. Cry until I can sleep, sleep and dream about everything we used to have, and wake up again crying because I know that I should move forward and I should just move on.
Why am I so stupid? Why did I not stop? I mean, why did I stay despite the fact that you won't really love me back? And why did I admit it? Why do I have to be responsible for this thing? Why do I have to hurt myself this much? Maybe because I am really in love with you, maybe because I would rather choose fake happiness and love from you than move on because with you I feel so safe. Why am I not leaving this cycle? It's been 3 long years yet I am still here. I am so tired. I am so tired of hearing myself saying that at least I've loved, at least I've waited, because the truth is I have been waiting for nothing, I have been suffering from a shameless one-sided love, and I have been stupid for so long. But what makes this hurt more is that I am missing you, that I still need to see you every day and experience a twitching feeling inside, and that I have to fight everyday just to survive.
One thing I know is I want to stop and even though it will hurt more, even though I am sacrificing things now, I will bear it just to be happy again.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Hello
I was so happy when you told me that you won't just throw everything away, that you don't want to impress her, that you want to be my friend, that you want me to be dramatic whenever I am talking to you, that you will bear all those nasty things that I will say to you but I am too afraid of believing once more. It was an unrequited love for 3 years but I know that despite that fact you've valued the friendship that heaven knows how I tried to protect.
Maybe I also want this to happen, maybe I just want to vanish and be gone forever, but just imagining us not talking anymore is making me cry. No, not romantically speaking, okay? I just want you to be still there whenever I am lonely. I just want to yell at you all over again, be mad at you everyday, and you being so gullible be mad because you thought that I was really mad at you. I am quite missing my friend.
I just want to go back to where we used to, I just want the word 'us' and even though it's just pure friendship at least I can feel that security from you. But damn it, I just want to curse the world for feeling this way, for feeling like I just can't do it anymore, that no matter how I want everything to return to the old days I just can't because of my fear of being betrayed again. I am too afraid that one day I will just wake up and I will hear stupid things about our friendship, I am too afraid that I will lose a part of me again for you will vanish for so long, and I am too afraid that you will just throw everything away.
I thought that falling for you and being quite consumed by you are things that will cause me pain the most, but I guess losing a friend like you was the most painful thing that I can encounter upon meeting you.
I want to comeback but how will I do it?
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Project 2012: Love Myself
I usually say to people whenever they are teasing me to boys that: "I don't like boys. I don't like people. I like plants. I love myself. I have the best relationship with myself. Actually, she never leaves me and I am loving it." I am not saying this for them to laugh at me or to give me pity. It's just that maybe for the longest time that I exist in this world I never told myself that I love myself. Yes it may sound as awkward as it is but the truth is I do not usually love myself, I am doing things to impress people, I am doing things for their wellness, I am doing things to cater for their needs until I can't give anything to myself, and I will end up lonely because I am expecting too much from them.
So, last semester I started this project of loving myself, it's not because I hate relationships or I hate people, but I want to make myself feel that love that I usually asks for people to give to me. I am not saying that I'll go on hiatus helping people but I will always make sure that I am one of the people that will be happy everyday because of myself as well. I want to feel like I am worth it of everything that I want to have and for me to feel that way I should always prove to myself everyday how valuable I am, how awesome I've become after everything, and how deserving I am for the things that I am demanding.
I usually think that being a last resort to someone is the worst thing in the world or maybe being number two, I usually hate it because I am having leftovers of people. But I realized that the worst thing is asking for something you cannot give yourself.
I should cross the bridge when I get there, that's another thing that I realized, I should never think ahead, instead I should decide and think of things when the cards are already lay in the table.
So, last semester I started this project of loving myself, it's not because I hate relationships or I hate people, but I want to make myself feel that love that I usually asks for people to give to me. I am not saying that I'll go on hiatus helping people but I will always make sure that I am one of the people that will be happy everyday because of myself as well. I want to feel like I am worth it of everything that I want to have and for me to feel that way I should always prove to myself everyday how valuable I am, how awesome I've become after everything, and how deserving I am for the things that I am demanding.
I usually think that being a last resort to someone is the worst thing in the world or maybe being number two, I usually hate it because I am having leftovers of people. But I realized that the worst thing is asking for something you cannot give yourself.
- I tend to asks for people's love but I can't give that to myself.
- I usually want people not to leave me but sometimes I am the one pushing them away because the truth is I am afraid of abandonment.
- I usually suffered from self-pity; inflicting pain to myself and thinking that I am just a part of a crowd but I am the one consistently thinking that way.
- I want second chances but I sometimes leave people because sometimes I think that I am left with no choice at all but I know that I have lots of choices.
- I hide my feelings and sometimes deny it because I am afraid of being hurt.
I should cross the bridge when I get there, that's another thing that I realized, I should never think ahead, instead I should decide and think of things when the cards are already lay in the table.
Chapters of Life: As a Passerby
It is 9:28 PM tonight and I feel like writing everything that I am feeling now. Not exactly everything, because I am still denying what I am feeling. I am not good at this but I know that this is my usual defense mechanism whenever I am avoiding hurtful events in this life. So this blog is entitled ambivalence because I am fond of keeping everything to myself and expressing the opposite of what I truly feel. I don't know if it's good for me, maybe no, because I am really not feeling good sometimes, it feels so heavy inside and I can't do anything about it. I always say that people always have a choice towards something and yes maybe I chose to hide everything than to be carefree and burden other people because of my feelings.
Most people say that I am too gullible and I usually trust people and yes I am like that. I can believe someone's story even if I only spend a day with that person. I always believe that there is this seed of goodness in everyone's character. So I am also easily attach to people. But despite that attachment I can't remove this fear that they will just go and will leave me after making me feel secured and happy. One of my mentors told me that I should never think that way, I should never think ahead before things happened in their own time. Maybe she is right with that, I usually keep myself isolated whenever I am seeing someone go, but maybe I should do the other way around, I should make beautiful memories like I usually tell people. Actually, I am also thinking that way, I always think that at least we made beautiful memories, at least that person is a freaking good memory, but I think I should remove that mentality, okay, it's their choice if they want to go but I should never think that way. Though it is so overrated if I will say that "cherish the moment" maybe it is real, so that if a person go you will never cry over spilled milk, you can say to yourself that even though that person is not with you now, that person made you fall, that person made you smile, that person wants you to be happy and most of all that person allowed you to push yourself to the limit and though you don't know what would be the outcome things you stayed, you did your best and that's more than enough.
I should not just say this to myself, I should keep it real right? I should always look at the glass as half full and not half empty. I should!
Most people say that I am too gullible and I usually trust people and yes I am like that. I can believe someone's story even if I only spend a day with that person. I always believe that there is this seed of goodness in everyone's character. So I am also easily attach to people. But despite that attachment I can't remove this fear that they will just go and will leave me after making me feel secured and happy. One of my mentors told me that I should never think that way, I should never think ahead before things happened in their own time. Maybe she is right with that, I usually keep myself isolated whenever I am seeing someone go, but maybe I should do the other way around, I should make beautiful memories like I usually tell people. Actually, I am also thinking that way, I always think that at least we made beautiful memories, at least that person is a freaking good memory, but I think I should remove that mentality, okay, it's their choice if they want to go but I should never think that way. Though it is so overrated if I will say that "cherish the moment" maybe it is real, so that if a person go you will never cry over spilled milk, you can say to yourself that even though that person is not with you now, that person made you fall, that person made you smile, that person wants you to be happy and most of all that person allowed you to push yourself to the limit and though you don't know what would be the outcome things you stayed, you did your best and that's more than enough.
I should not just say this to myself, I should keep it real right? I should always look at the glass as half full and not half empty. I should!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Candor
Unknown silence, that’s all we had that time. Those seconds were enough for me to hear my heart cracks and beats fast because of you, still you –nothing has changed, not a little bit of my feelings for you.
Yes you, my own dosage of happiness and loneliness, you who made me wished for something more, it's only you who can make me confuse whenever I am thinking rationally.
So what happened next is the endless playing of that song, I should let go of it but I just can’t. Out of the blue you ask me “what do you want to happen?” I was supposed to answer it with something much more than what you’ve expected me to say but I am afraid that I might just ruin everything, that I might just hurt myself a little bit more that’s why I already shut my mouth. Then I answered without any expression in my face, “Repeat the question for me?” I felt like there’s something wrong with my answer, the environment responded to my fast heartbeat, it was very cold that time and it was like a deafening silence is around the place wherein to, then you changed the question. You asked me “what is it?” That question made things more complicated, I wished I said the things bluntly ahead of you changing the topic, what I really want to say is that: “I want US to happened, I want US to be together, I WANT YOU or perhaps want is not enough to express what I am feeling. Yes, don’t be shocked, don’t say anything first. I didn’t plan this thing, okay? I didn’t do anything, actually I as well don’t want this feeling, maybe that’s the reason why I am avoiding you, maybe that’s the reason why I can’t just pretend that nothing happened. I know that you treat me as a friend, nothing more than that, but I just can’t stop my stupid feelings. I didn’t even know why I entertain these fucking thoughts, these thoughts of us being together, or you loving me as well. I don’t want you to give pity to me and I don’t want to be hurt anymore. So please stop being so nice, I am leaving everything behind, please don’t ask anything more.” But I didn’t say those things because I am afraid that I might break something, that connection that I felt between the two of us, I am afraid that I might complicate things more, and I know that I have no right to be hurt or to feel anything more than what you are giving me.” But at the end of the conversation I did not mention anything about my feelings, I only told you that things were just complicated right now, that it was really a long story, that I just can’t say anything because I might complicate things. And yes, maybe I should let that happen, maybe I should just let go of this stupidity and live my life without you. Maybe I should break that habit, and like what I did earlier, maybe I should just run away.
I can’t hold on anymore, my heart says it to me. I can’t just do it anymore, I can’t wait for you, and I am already tired of doing it. I just want to live my life without you. And so, as the music stops playing, as the sun sets, and as the people start the noisy sound, I will leave...
I will leave as if I am not regretting anything.
I will leave as if I am really willing to let you go.
I will leave as if I am not coming back again.
I will leave as if I am not going to cry.
I will leave as if I already said those 3 words that I jokingly say to you.
But the truth is, I will leave because my heart can’t take it anymore, I will leave because I know that you are afraid of hurting me that’s why you are not saying everything in front of me. Though, I am hoping that whoever she is who will fall for you in the future and who will not get anything from you in return, please say to her what you truly feels, please don’t make her misinterpret anything, please don’t make her suffer, please just blow it off, just say to her everything even though it will hurt her, please don’t give her the assurance that you will never leave her alone, and please don’t stop her from leaving if you really don’t want to be with her.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Contained and not shattered at all
Then that someone will ask you not to forget, then he'll be the one who will forget everything. It's not that we have lots of memories but I became a part of his life, right? I don't really know why I am writing this stuff, maybe because it is really too heavy inside?
I met you 1 year ago and really I must admit it you are really humorous and sweet and all those stuffs. Actually I never wanted to establish any romantic relationship with you, like seriously, it didn't really cross my mind. I just love being flattered. But I just think that sometimes you will really realize the true value of a person when that person is not with you anymore. I've been so quiet about this thing that I even forgot to say thank you to you...
Thank you for comforting me when I thought that I would fail a subject.
Thank you for saying how beautiful I am despite the fact that I am haggard or sometimes I am not combing my hair whenever you are seeing me.
Thank you for being the only person who held my risk and dragged me into something that I didn't expect to be.
Thank you for sitting in front of me and blabbing about random stuffs.
Thank you for playing with me, most of the people or generally speaking guys that I know can't tolerate my childishness, you are one of those who can.
Thank you for making me feel that I can do everything if I will work hard.
Thank you for proving to me that I am all worth it, well it is not all about you saying those stuffs to me but AGAIN you are one of those who believed in me when I thought that I don't have things that I could be proud of.
Thank you for fulfilling my dream, I always dream of stuff like someone will just pinch my cheeks and smile, and you were the only person who did that!
Thank you for that stupid message behind that graduation picture "Piggy, will see you soon."
Thank you for that parker ballpen, stupid.
Thank you for entertaining me.
Thank you for making me feel that I am beautiful, thank you for those warm hugs, and thank you for being a pleasant memory.
Congratulations, you remain a beautiful memory, you will always be a beautiful memory.
Congratulations because I am still missing you.
Congratulations because I still admire how patriotic you are.
Maybe someday piggy will see you again, maybe things will change, maybe everything that we had will be a repress memory, or maybe it will be forgotten because it will be a disuse memory, but I firmly believe that someone's influence to a person will never be gone, he/she might not notice it, but that force will always be a part of him/her.
Belated Happy Birthday babo, star, handsome. I miss you, but I won't cry at all. This is the end of this chapter, though it's not that ideal type of happy ending, it's not an overrated type of story, it is something worth writing for, because that chapter allowed me to grow.
You always say that I should take good care of myself, now let me tell those words to you TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF, BABO, and though I will rip my pride because of this statement I will still say it: You are really great and I am FALLing for you. That's a cheesy line okay?
People who know your name will know the reason behind the word "FALLing."
I met you 1 year ago and really I must admit it you are really humorous and sweet and all those stuffs. Actually I never wanted to establish any romantic relationship with you, like seriously, it didn't really cross my mind. I just love being flattered. But I just think that sometimes you will really realize the true value of a person when that person is not with you anymore. I've been so quiet about this thing that I even forgot to say thank you to you...
Thank you for comforting me when I thought that I would fail a subject.
Thank you for saying how beautiful I am despite the fact that I am haggard or sometimes I am not combing my hair whenever you are seeing me.
Thank you for being the only person who held my risk and dragged me into something that I didn't expect to be.
Thank you for sitting in front of me and blabbing about random stuffs.
Thank you for playing with me, most of the people or generally speaking guys that I know can't tolerate my childishness, you are one of those who can.
Thank you for making me feel that I can do everything if I will work hard.
Thank you for proving to me that I am all worth it, well it is not all about you saying those stuffs to me but AGAIN you are one of those who believed in me when I thought that I don't have things that I could be proud of.
Thank you for fulfilling my dream, I always dream of stuff like someone will just pinch my cheeks and smile, and you were the only person who did that!
Thank you for that stupid message behind that graduation picture "Piggy, will see you soon."
Thank you for that parker ballpen, stupid.
Thank you for entertaining me.
Thank you for making me feel that I am beautiful, thank you for those warm hugs, and thank you for being a pleasant memory.
Congratulations, you remain a beautiful memory, you will always be a beautiful memory.
Congratulations because I am still missing you.
Congratulations because I still admire how patriotic you are.
Maybe someday piggy will see you again, maybe things will change, maybe everything that we had will be a repress memory, or maybe it will be forgotten because it will be a disuse memory, but I firmly believe that someone's influence to a person will never be gone, he/she might not notice it, but that force will always be a part of him/her.
Belated Happy Birthday babo, star, handsome. I miss you, but I won't cry at all. This is the end of this chapter, though it's not that ideal type of happy ending, it's not an overrated type of story, it is something worth writing for, because that chapter allowed me to grow.
You always say that I should take good care of myself, now let me tell those words to you TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF, BABO, and though I will rip my pride because of this statement I will still say it: You are really great and I am FALLing for you. That's a cheesy line okay?
People who know your name will know the reason behind the word "FALLing."
Friday, February 10, 2012
Ang Nawawalang Sapatos
Kasabay ng kadiliman ay ang pagbibigay ko sa'yo ng sapatos upang umalis ka na sa buhay ko. Susuotan kita nito at magmamakaawa ako sayo na lisanin na ang lugar kung nasaan ako.
Hindi ko alam kung kaya kong paalisin ka, kung kaya't bibigyan na lamang kita ng sapatos upang kusang lumakad papalayo sa buhay ko.
Pakiusap tahakin mo na ang daan na malayo sa akin. Huwag mo na akong paasahin sa posibilidad na maaring mangyari. Huwag mo na akong hayaang umasa na marinig sa'yo ang mga salitang kailanman ay hindi mo nanaising sabihin. Huwag mo akong hayaang sumama sa'yo kahit na ako ay magmakaawa pa. Huwag na...
Ngayon nakakita na naman ako ng mga litrato na nagpaalala sa'yo, sa maaring maging tayo, ngunit ang masakit ay puro na lamang ito mga alaala na binuo ko sa aking isip, hindi ito kailanman magaganap, hindi. Tila napagod na din akong maghintay, tila napagod na din akong umasa sa mga posible pang maganap. Araw-araw kitang sinasamahan sa paglakad mo, sa pagaasam na marinig sayo ang dalawang salitang inaasam ng sinuman. Araw-araw, pabalik-balik, paikot-ikot. Pero namaltos na nga ata ang mga paa ko at kahit anong pagnanais ko na lumakad pa kasabay mo ay hinihiling ko na lamang na lumakad ka palayo.
Hindi ko alam kung kaya kong paalisin ka, kung kaya't bibigyan na lamang kita ng sapatos upang kusang lumakad papalayo sa buhay ko.
Pakiusap tahakin mo na ang daan na malayo sa akin. Huwag mo na akong paasahin sa posibilidad na maaring mangyari. Huwag mo na akong hayaang umasa na marinig sa'yo ang mga salitang kailanman ay hindi mo nanaising sabihin. Huwag mo akong hayaang sumama sa'yo kahit na ako ay magmakaawa pa. Huwag na...
Ngayon nakakita na naman ako ng mga litrato na nagpaalala sa'yo, sa maaring maging tayo, ngunit ang masakit ay puro na lamang ito mga alaala na binuo ko sa aking isip, hindi ito kailanman magaganap, hindi. Tila napagod na din akong maghintay, tila napagod na din akong umasa sa mga posible pang maganap. Araw-araw kitang sinasamahan sa paglakad mo, sa pagaasam na marinig sayo ang dalawang salitang inaasam ng sinuman. Araw-araw, pabalik-balik, paikot-ikot. Pero namaltos na nga ata ang mga paa ko at kahit anong pagnanais ko na lumakad pa kasabay mo ay hinihiling ko na lamang na lumakad ka palayo.
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